old musings

honest to god, just now I think I'm as content as I've ever been in my life. and my circumstances are as fluid as they've ever been. there is no connection between where I was materially, emotionally, and mentally just one year ago and where I sit right now. I do think I was better off spiritually, however, when I most despaired of anything in my life ever improving by my own best efforts. at no other time have I ever held such a continuous and desperate dialogue with what I think of as my Father(natural tendency, I think) - most of it me whining and cursing and wallowing in self-pity. but there were moments when I counted up what I had been blessed with as a result of all my errors and misjudgments. this is one of those moments, I guess. 

I know that I can endure a lot more than I thought possible. I know that there are consequences, direct and unintended, for every decision I make, and I inevitably create or allow every circumstance I find myself in by following the blind path of pure self-interest. those are difficult lessons to learn, and knowing those certitudes and continuing in fallibility is even tougher to accept. I think some of that awakening is just a function of getting older. I can't take credit for any of that. I also know that there are scads of people out there who learn all of that very early and don't brag about what to them seems axiomatic about life. it took me a bit longer to get all of that. I think there are a lot of people just like me as well. it makes their faults easier to take. I hope I have learned a little humility, but I won't ask for any more. asking has power that I'm careful in approaching nowadays.

I got a little emotional. there is a feeling, partly plain gratitude, that makes me feel terribly insignificant, yet curiously watched over and tended to. there is a Firm Center to it that is unyielding, but there are moments when I feel that the Whole of it is turned to me and me alone and it's almost too much to think about. it makes me cry. writing about it makes me look a little off-center. I don't think that hurts anything either, for that matter.

and as quickly as that, the sensation leaves me. whatever happens in my life, I figure I'll be okay.